jeez!!!

I took a drive today here in Fresno, I went to a junk yard, just to have a look and see what cool cars they had... not one cool car there. Then i went and had lunch at a restaurant called "Cuca's" in the Tower district, it's consistently pretty good. After that i took a drive down Blackstone and that's when it started to get to me. If it wasn't for; used car lots, fast food joints, tattoo parlors and homeless people standing on medians asking for handouts there'd be NOTHING to see in Fresno. Every year the crap in Fresno creeps northward, you have to get all the way to Riverpark for the place to look nice. I went to Nordstroms Rack and ran into a guy that I worked with at Weber BMW, he's been out of work for two years! I didn't buy anything there, just had a look to kill time. After that I went to Wal-mart to stock up on some supplies, paper towels, cetaphil soap, razors and such. After that I went to Walgreens on the Figarden loop. I ran into another person that I know from way back, she's a cashier there. I headed back to my sisters house and have been BORED ever since! It's raining, the police are out everywhere and I have been praying for bedtime for hours, I was ready to call it a night at 7pm. I'm having lunch with one of my best friends tomorrow and then I'm getting the hell out of this place.

Merry Christmas!

I'm in Fresno for Christmas weekend visiting my older sister. After the gift exchange we went to IHOP for breakfast, I had the "Big Steak Omelet" They don't call it big for nothing. After getting home I changed the oil and filter on the car and gave it a wash. Not much else going on. Tomorrow I may go check out some sales, not that I need anything, there's not much else to do here.

i may be the star... but you are the heavens.

Kim Peeks, the "real" rain man, dies.

i know i know i know...

my blog has been somewhat weak... light... shallow... without any redeeming qualities lately and I want to let you know that I know that too. I have had a lot on my mind starting in August of this year, also events since then have continued to beat me down emotionally and creatively. So I pledge to you now, dear reader, that I will strive to bring you only the best grade of "tom-isms" that you've come to expect from my blog. I am also going to try to be more personal and use this outlet less like the toilet that it has become. There will be a minimum of vids from youtube and more entries and pictures of my adventures, happenings, road trips, friends and more.

I'll be sitting down soon and working on my list of things I hope to accomplish in 2010. I used to call them resolutions but that word has really bad connotations these days. Basically I hope to make/save money, travel overseas as well as seeing new parts of the USA. I'm also hoping to continue learning new stuff. Today i read up on Objectivism. I will start my own business this year. Build new friendships. Be more active.

Here's something; several people, 4 if you need a specific number, have told me the same thing within the past 2 weeks; "Tom, you have to put yourself first and only think of yourself". Interesting.

epic part 2...

just some more tunes i'm digging right now

who said there's no do-overs???

It's 9:41pm December 3rd 2009 and I'm calling a do-over. I can't wait for people anymore and I won't get in my own way again. I'm going for what I want.

La France… Je t'aime !

La France, je n'ai pas oublié vous, je vous aime toujours, vous étais ma première passion vraie, nous aurai toujours Paris.

And true love lives On lollipops and crisps...

i should be asleep right now...

I'd like to think that people come into my life for a reason, but as I get older and come in contact with more people, I am starting to think otherwise. I've become a very private person as of late and very selective of who I become friends with. I don't like meeting people, taking the time to get to know them and then they just move on, disappear, or worse they somehow manage to use me before they move on.

I'm too nostalgic, too sensitive, too caring, too nice, too kind, too easy, too trusting, too much of a believer in love, truth and honesty... or perhaps I just chose to let the wrong ones in.

I sometimes think that everything we know is wrong, it's all false, so why bother?

The thing is though; you have to ask yourself why bother. I bother because I never want to stop learning, I want to always meet new people, see new places, learn new customs, eat new food, hear new languages, accents, music. That is why I bother.

But there's apparently something about me that people don't like, I want to figure out what it is. I'll go into it completely ignorant instead of with the usual preconcieved ideas. I honestly don't know what it is yet.

my official theme music from 2009...

a year of highest peaks and deepest darkest valleys, but i guess that's what keeps it interesting right?

quick update and discoveries...

The holiday season officially started today, I went to SUBWAY sandwiches for lunch and while standing in line I was audibly assaulted by Feliz Navidad, I was going to post the vid here from youtube but I figured I'd spare everyone from that torment, plus, I didn't want to ruin the integrity of my blog with that abomination of all things Christmassy.

I have been listening to Radiohead a lot lately, they're currently one of my favorite bands, some really good stuff. Sometimes I'm glad I get into music AFTER everyone else does, that way I can just listen to it and enjoy it for and by myself instead of listening to it and trying to figure out why everyone else likes it. I've also been listening to "intelligent" drum and base. If you listen to the LTJ Bukem track below you'll know why.

I have been thinking about my next trip to Europe and have already started doing the groundwork to get there. I just need to decide where to go. Here's my list of places- UKRAINE, Poland, Moldova, Slovenia, Russia and finally Romania. Where would you go? Moscow was at the top of my list but it's hard/expensive to get there.

Not much else going on right now... lots of time to myself. I discovered another film I want to see called STALKER. You know what's AMAZING about life? Is that there is all this great stuff out there; movies, music, books, stuff that NOBODY tells you about, stuff that you can only discover by yourself, stuff you've never heard of before, but it is out there, waiting to be discovered by people that would rather seek out the amazing, rather than be spoon fed Hollywood's crap. ENJOY!

epic...

the joy of math...

X+Y=Z

If X equals Russian, and Y equals brunette, we can safely assume that Z equals HOTNESS!
Hotness is an English word meaning, according to Websters Dictionary, "...a total babe, worthy of admiration, a 10 on the 1 through 10 scale, ta-DOW!..." Funnily enough, if you go to babelfish and translate hotness into Russian, the translation given is OLGA KURYLENKO!











booyah!

Omelets don't "just happen"...

Do you think it's possible that as a consumer based society we are conditioned to ALWAYS want more stuff? It doesn't matter if it's your house, car, t.v., clothes, jewelry, bank balance etc., no matter what we have we always want more. Is that right? There will always be a bigger t.v., a bigger home, a newer car, a bigger diamond to get. Is that what keeps life interesting? The drive to get more? Do we ever stop... and say "ok... NOW I'm happy, NOW I have enough, this is exactly what I want"? I don't know... I'm asking.

How does American society measure your level of success? Is it your level of wealth? Your education? Social status?

I've always been a believer of buying the best of what you can afford, for each person it's different, that's where personal taste comes in. There's so much more to it though; intellect, finances etc. What is it that makes us want what we want?

I'll see a building here in SF, usually it's some old red brick commercial building two stories tall and I'll think; "that would be awesome to own that building, i'd turn the upstairs into a loft, live in it and do something with the first floor, I'd love to live in a loft" then, as quick as that idea pops into my head it's replaced by "but I'll never do it, there's NO way I could afford that". I've already decided that it's impossible.

One of my biggest fears is the fear of failure. It's a fear that cripples you, destroys your motivation and stops you before you start. So much so that over time you develop a why even bother mindset. I wonder how others think, the Wright Brothers, Henry Ford okay even Barack Obama. In fact let's pick Obama, how many times do you think people said to him "You'll never be President, you're black, it'll never happen, don't even bother"?

I really REALLY admire people that make personal sacrifices for long term personal benefit. They have vision, patience and an unshakable belief in themselves. There are people that know they will succeed and they plan, taking the necessary steps to reach the goal they chose for themselves. The best can't be distracted from what they know they need to do. Their ability to remain focused and true to themselves really blows me away. Seriously, I don't know what word to use to describe how much I admire people like that. If you know it let me know.

I don't believe things "just happen", bridges don't just happen, babies don't just happen, accidents don't just happen. Everything happens for a reason and things are MADE to happen. Here is an example in its simplest form---
Let's say you want an omelet. Is wanting it enough to make an omelet happen? No. So you go to the cupboard, get out the frying pan and set it on the cooker, will an omelet happen now? I mean you really want it and you've even gone so far as to put the pan on the cooker. Well, it's more likely to happen now because you do need a frying pan to make an omelet but you also need eggs, heat, a whisk, maybe a little milk, salt etc. etc. You get the idea right? It takes MANY things to make something happen, even something as simple as an omelet, plus, here's the thing, if one thing is missing from the ingredients you won't have a good omelet. There's the want (or need), recipe, ingredients, a desired outcome... all that just to make some breakfast. LIFE is the same way. Remember though, you can have all the ingredients, recipes, utensils, needs and wants, even the motivation!, but, if you're afraid your omelet is going to come out crappy and you don't crack an egg, you will never succeed, the attempt to try is the cornerstone of success. At least try.

I know what I want and where I want to go, which is good as most people don't, I need to collect the tools I need. I need to focus and figure out how to get from where I am to where I want to be. I need to sacrifice some comforts and I need to know I can and will succeed. I need to remind myself everyday what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I need to try.

There's more to this but I need a break...

i don't even know anymore.

The last 7 days have been tough for me, I've tried keeping a smile on my face but it hasn't been easy. Sometimes it takes more than popping a smile on my face to make me feel good. I think being depressed is starting to not only affect my own life but the few friends I have left. I can't imagine I'm that fun to hang out with right now, I have way too much stuff on my mind and I'm distracted. I used to think I had all the answers and I used to be ready at a moments notice to give good upbeat advice to friends in need, but, I've lost it. When I think to myself or ask myself; "Why would he/she say/do that? I have know idea why, it could be 1 of a 1,000,000 reasons why, you could even ask the person why he/she said/did that and they could tell you... but are they telling you the truth? People are complex, relationships are fragile, it's hard to figure out. There is no figuring it out.

When you just want to be happy and all it takes is life's simple pleasures to make you happy you have to wonder why it's so fucking hard.

I just want to be loved and appreciated. It's that simple.

The Red Balloon

This film changed my life, please watch it...

My Top Ten List...

Getting an amazing nights sleep last night.
Meeting new people.
Driving to Santa Cruz for lunch.
Watching the Sunset.
Taking a nap in my car after the sunset.
Chocolate Chocolate Chip muffins.
Getting my car smogged, registered and insured.
Getting rid of stuff I've held on to for too long.
Awesome conversation with Dave.
Super chomp worthy burrito from Gordos'

Friday.

This week went by so fast! Work has been filled with days of spinning wheels and feeling like I didn't accomplish much. It's cold in the morning and hard to get out of bed, staying up somewhat late doesn't help either. I drove straight to the beach after work and watched the sunset, it went down fast and disappeared at 5:06p.m. I then had a quick 20 minute snooze in the car to escape my thoughts for a bit. It felt good, I love sleep. Normally I think of sleep as a way of recharging my batteries; eat, work, sleep right? Lately however it's been an escape of sweet tranquil bliss, it reminds me that I'm happy with who I am. I don't need to change.

Yesterday went as per the to-do list except for the walking to work bit, bed was too warm and cozy.

ALPHAVILLE

Godard... Davis... I'm good to you what can I say?

do list for 11.12.09

walk to work.
get pic discs from costco.
get a hair cut.
play ping pong with dave.

i'll never be jaded...

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.

We have no say over the hand dealt us in life, but we do have a lot of control over how this hand is played. We are responsible for bringing out the meaning of our own lives in each moment that we live. Remember each moment happens only once and can never be retrieved again.

quick questions...

Job?
Senior Vespa Technician

Style icons
Steve McQueen

Describe your personal style
boring... but always freshly laundered.

I build my daily look around
What I'm doing that day.

Personal Style quirk?
Never ever wear white socks.

Favorite designers?
Kenneth Cole

The first thing I look at in another Sartorialist's outfit ...
Do the clothes fit.

Favorite stores?
Some great indie shops on Hayes.

Most stylish city?
Women from RIGA have great style.


Favorite vacation spot?
Edinburgh, I'll never get tired of going there.

Favorite cocktail?
Ketel One and Diet Coke.

Favorite place to search for inspiration?
Japanese magazines, www.thesartorialist.blogspot.com

I spend my weekends…
outdoors, usually at the beach.

your own self interest...

There is nothing more fragile than the relationships between humans. People are a fickle bunch, you can go from being best friends to enemies in an instant. It's funny how a lie can get the truth out of someone, you'd think that truth breeds truth, it does, but not always.

Life is good especially if you're lucky enough to learn something new, a lesson, everyday. Today I learned the importance of keeping details, specifics, private. Even from so called "friends", especially from "friends".

well shut my mouth!

Ok, so I'm heading down to Fresno... Full report when I get back... until then enjoy this tune...

saturday night, halloween, in the big city...

It's Halloween! So what am I going to do tonight? Stay in? Go out? What are my options? Dave is hangin' with his brother most likely giving out candy. Arsen has a party to gig at in Fresno. I could go see a Souxsie and the Banshees cover band along with a Joy Division cover band... I dunno.

i love this...

notes from my trip...

"as long as you care what others think about you, you will never succeed."

"walk-run-bike"

"as a man, i need to be able to provide for my loved ones, this can only be done through hard work and smarts"

"i will work hard to make my loved ones proud, happy and comfortable"

"eat healthy, fresh, natural foods"

"clear intact and distinct memories of RIGA for the rest of my years"

WORK, RELATIONSHIPS, FINANCES, CURRENT and FUTURE events and finally; THINGS THAT PUZZLE ME...

So where to begin... I've got a bunch of random thoughts bouncing around in my head so if this entry seems rather discombobulated keep in mind I'm writing this off the cuff. Let me try and boil it down to the basics of life; WORK, RELATIONSHIPS, FINANCES, CURRENT and FUTURE events.


WORK--- Nothing to complain about, I have a job and I love it. I'm the solo Vespa tech right now, Dave is on holiday and Matt is wrenching on cars which leaves me with nobody to talk to, just me and the thoughts that loop continuously through my head. I'm a bit of a worrier at times, I get down on myself. My rut or "guy period" shows up once every 3 months, typically it doesn't last long, maybe 2-3 days then I'm back to my usual happy-go-lucky self. I've had feelings of self doubt and inadequacy lately aka low self esteem. It probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately; being lazy, eating unhealthily, I drank last week too and got rather inebriated, the morning after wasn't that bad hangover wise but, I get depressed for that day. I know alcohol is a depressant so I know what to blame it on but, being my own biggest critic, I'm pretty hard on myself and beat myself up for getting drunk, not exorcising, getting up late, not taking care of my skin etc. etc. etc. Anyway what can you do but ride it out right?

FINANCES--- Bills are getting paid AND even after taking 3 weeks off work I'm doing good. I've been spending money wisely, notice I said "spending" money wisely, not "saving" money wisely... I'm working on it. I've been looking on craigslist for a part time job, I just want a simple evening retail/stock job for extra cash. A 6pm-10pm job would be ideal. Just putting it out there in the universe.

CURRENT EVENTS--- Just life really, keeping myself busy--- insuring and registering the car, paying off my library fine, getting pics printed from the trip. I keep a little 3x5 spiral notepad in my back pocket and take it with me EVERYWHERE, I get so much more done when I have a to do list to remind me. How about you? Oh, I almost forgot, I made homemade Borscht and it came out awesome! I also made Pelmeni from scratch but that wasn't what I would call my finest work. I believe that we can create our own reality (in certain cases) so I'm trying to recreate a little bit of my Latvian trip in my life.

FUTURE EVENTS--- Same old stuff I'm sure you're all sick of reading about; lose weight, get healthy, save money, be happy, have fun and be the best me i can be.

THINGS THAT PUZZLE ME--- First off, how do people, Muscovites for example, survive in the most expensive city in the world on the wages they make for normal everyday jobs? Better yet, HOW did Moscow become so expensive??? Another puzzle is the exchange rate for Latvia, it has the worst economy in all of Europe and yet it takes $2 to get just 1 Lat??? How is it possible that they have such a strong currency?

O.K., I'm sure I'm boring most of you so I'll quit while I'm ahead.

Smile more, it's free!

just some vids i want to share with you...

БУ-РА-ТИ-НО !

Buratino is the Russian equivalent of Pinocchio. When I was in Latvia the son of the family I stayed with had this tune for his alarm clock music, before I knew it was about "Buratino" I'd lie in bed imagining little Russian kids doing some patriotic song and dance routine. It's a catchy little tune don't you think?

european hangover...

Latvia I miss you! Today I replayed many parts of the trip over in my head and it made me sad, the buzz of the trip is over, all that is left is a "european hangover". Latvia is a stunning country and I fell in love with it, the land, the weather, the food, the people. I'll return soon.
Baltic Sea
War Memorial
Trams
Plavneiki

crap

I am heading to Latvia tomorrow and I dropped and broke my camera today... SHIT! Thankfully David managed to come through with a loaner camera.

The lesson from the trip so far is--- no matter where you are, there's NOTHING more important than friends and family.

OK, bed, I have to get up at 4:40am

One last thing, the cool thing about a british keyboard is this---
££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££

and this---
€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€

vay-kay-shun...

I'm flying out on Sunday, I haven't really been putting much thought into the trip, which isn't unusual as I'm typically a last minute kinda guy, but anyway, I'm doing laundry and having dinner right now, which will be my last "home cooked" meal until I get back from my trip. I'm done washing dishes is what I'm trying to say.

I'm starting to get excited, I have to pack and tomorrow do a little bit of shopping for small gifts to give to people. I also want to get some new tennies for myself, I was thinking GOLA or ONITSUKA TIGERS, turns out Onitsuka is owned by ASICS so why bother? Gola's it is! Green body with yellow details, cool color combo. I think I'm ok with socks, underwear, jeans and t-shirts, but I do need a nice warm jacket, and two outfits for going out to dinner/clubs. I really should makea list. Oh, back up battery for my camera, camera pouch, reading materials for the plane, Russian phrasebook. Yeah, I need a pen and paper for this shit.

I'm having a little bon voyage party too, not sure where yet, Dave suggested BAR NONE is the Marina but it's typically filled with douche-nozzles. I'm hoping for good music, pretty women and fun with my friends.

I read a pretty good statement the other day, my statement for 2009 was "perception is reality" which is something I still believe in but in 2010 my motto will be "work hard, dress well, travel" perfect...

the dynamics of the Friends With Benefits "relationship"...

There are 3 main components of the "FWB" interpersonal relationship---
1. It must always be about having FUN.
2. The sex must be GOOD.
3. There can be absolutely NO COMMITMENT.

This type of relationship, actually, now that I think about it I really don't think it can be called a relationship... how about arrangement? Anyway, this arrangement between two people is TEMPORARY, usually SHORTLIVED and DEVOID of any kind of involvement of FEELINGS.

If ANY of the 3 components are NOT adhered to, the arrangement will fall apart faster than you can text "what r u up 2? want 2 come over?"

Other factors involved in the collapse of the FWB are the possibilities of meeting someone else you'd rather have as your fuck buddy, the person would of course have to be; more fun, better in bed, totally non commital and, in this shallow world we live in, hotter. which could mean; younger, fitter, more educated, wealthier, better structure, etcetera than the person you are currently hookin' up with.

If you plan on giving the FWB arrangement a shot, please, make sure BOTH PARTIES are aware of the status. NEVER assume they know. This will ensure nobody gets hurt.

Remember; no future... no past... just now.

happy birthday to me...

today is my birthday, so when i woke up this morning i treated myself to hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock twice, i got out of bed at 7:11am. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, got dressed and put my lunch and snacks and sodas into my bag then headed out for the day. i stopped into the laundry room as i had left a load of wash in the washer and had to swap it into the dryer, now that i think about it it's still down there. i rode my vespa to work and got there in like 15 minutes. arsen called me to wish me a happy birthday. at noon i had lunch; green thai curry over jasmine rice with corn on the side, all left overs from last nights dinner, dessert was four Oreo double stuff cookies. close to the end of the day i went to test ride a bike, matt had to test ride one too, so we did the union/fillmore loop, we raced each other on the scooters from stop sign to stop sign, about a half mile from the shop i told matt; "last one back has a small penis!" i turned left and sped off... the wrong way on a one way street!!! it was hilarious. natalja called me at 2pm to wish me happy brthday, but i was a break and didn't have my phone on me. i finished out my day and rode home at 4:30pm, i saw a blind woman crossing the street in front of my building, after crossing the street, she turned and came back, i asked her if she need help finding a specific address, she laughed and told me she was fine. i came upstairs made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and then i made another 'cause it was so damn good. i sipped on a soda then fired up the computor to see if there was any birthday wishes. one from audrey, one from my paula, one from lindsay and one from elizabeth. that's my 40th birthday so far. tonight, arsen, dave and myself are going out, i don't know where but we may stop in to cafe du nord since matt is working and can get me in on the list. i'll let you know how my evening goes. btw, forty feels a lot like 39.

relationship chemistry and the american dream...

Dance Hall Days Wang Chung
Uploaded by oublierleracismeskyblog. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

RELATIONSHIP CHEMISTRY---
Ever ask someone "Hey, are you still dating that girl? (or guy)" then they tell you "no, we didn't have any chemistry". then you think to yourself... "hmmmmm... the elusive "chemistry"". Well, what IS "chemistry"? It sounds scientific and therefor complex, but is it?

When I was a kid I thought I would understand what it was when I grew up, but I didn't. If you ask somebody, more than likely they will say it's something indescribable but when it's there you'll know it, which isn't much of an answer is it?

I've been in many relationships and, if you're a regular reader you'll know I am single. Being single isn't something that I consciously chose to be, believe me. So, why is it that none of my relationships stood the test of time? Chemistry?

Here's my take on it; chemistry is a mutual attraction between two people. A lack of chemistry is when one person or both people are not attracted to each other. Think of it as a nice way to tell someone you don't like them.

That's all it is.


THE AMERICAN DREAM---
Home ownership. We've been bombarded since birth to think that to own a home is what we're all here for. That your not really free or American until you own your piece of the pie. Personally, I think this is bullshit. I think it's a way for the government to generate revenue via home sales AND annual property taxes. I will make it my lifes work to ensure the I.R.S. gets as LITTLE of my money as possible. I know "real estate is a great investment" but, ask EVERYBODY you know that owns a home in the United States and ask them how much they have LOST in the past year.

Don't get me started on the stock market.

goodbye fresno...

yesterday i realised for the first time since moving to san francisco over 3 years ago that sf is not just where i live, it's where i call home, and, i love it here. i made a promise to myself to only go to fresno when absolutely neccessary, whether it be for Christmas, thanksgiving or an actual emergency etc. i will not go down there just for a visit.

i just came back from fresno, i couldn't get out of there fast enough. there is nothing to do there except eat at bad chain restaurants or fast food joints, go shopping or drink. my sister and some of my best friends live down there, i hope they know my door is always open for them.

like OMFG! what's not to like?!

first day of a new week...

i left my laptop charger at work on saturday so I was without internet access for a couple of days, ok, 2 nights, but the good thing is I went to bed early (10:30pm) and woke up early (6:30am) and have been very productive. I did all my laundry including my bed linens, cleaned the apartment, cashed in my spare change at safeways($58.10)and budgeted the next 36 days. I had alloted $540 to cover my lunches/meals/gas/tolls. Which roughly translates to $15 a day. $6 of which goes to a bridge toll. It won't be easy but I know I can do it. I stocked up on healthy tv dinners and healthy soups as well as bread and sandwich meats. the plan is to alternate between soup and sandwich for lunch one day, tv dinner and sandwich the next. For my dinners I plan on have high protein meals like beans and rice with the occassional chicken breast but mainly i will eat mass quantities of steamed veggies. I have been taking my vitamin multi packs too.

so, september 20th i board a plane bound for Scotland. i will also pay a visit to Latvia. It'll be amazing, visiting a country that hopefully doesn't give a shit about American culture or lifestyle. i'm speaking of Latvia of course.

anyways, i think i'm out of my rut, i had a good chat with my ladyfriend and now i know what our situation is. it was a refreshing splash of cold water. i definatly needed it.

now i need to focus on my life, what do i want? where do i want to go? how do i get there?

i'm almost forty and it's blowing my fucking mind.

my "new" vespa...

my green gt200 is now back at VespaSF, the tags expired on it so i haven't ridden it in a while, when i dropped it off i noticed a vintage p200e parked in front of the showroom, i asked jen if i could swap her bikes, the "new" vespa for the "old" one, "sure" she said, so i am now going to be running around sf on a two-stroke vespa. i'm really excited about it.

i've also found a vw westfalia bus in my price range up in portland, needs fixing up but i love that kind of thing.

wonder how much it would cost to have it transported across the bering strait?

played pong with dave tonight and i won! 22 - 20, it was a close game, afterwards we went to pasta pomodoro on union street and had my usual gemelli.

i will also be back at the sf location as a fulltime tech. another thing to be grateful for! i will finally feel like i live in sf!!!

it's not supposed to be this hard...

Almost 40 years of emotional peaks and valleys. Still nowhere near where I had hoped to be by this time. Complacency is a silent killer. Always putting others first and hoping it'd be appreciated, thinking that I'm doing something different than, and, better than, everybody else. I have no clue what life is all about. I continue to wait for something to happen and it never does, am I stupid or stubborn? I don't expect things to change. What am I to people? To a very small number (1) I am a best friend, to others? A distraction? A free meal? An easy lay? A second best? The most gullible trusting person out there?

My biggest fear, is to live an insignificant life, to have spent a lifetime, doing nothing, leaving behind nothing but a box of books, dvd's, cd's that'll sit around for a while until someone decides it's ok to sell them at a yard sale. An envelope with some pictures of women I once thought I loved.

If life does have a meaning or a purpose, I can only hope that it's about love and family. Two things I don't have.

I see couples and young families and wonder how they get there. What does it take? How does it go from meeting - dating - marriage - children? How does that work? It doesn't just happen. How does a person know when it's right?

I don't think I'll ever fit in here in the States. I may have to put optimism aside and go with acceptance for a while, just to see how it fits.

I've been carrying "stuff" for a long time now, today I decided the time was right for me to let things go and move forward. I'm finished with nostalgia.

Making people happy and the resulting happiness that comes from seeing smiles on the face of others is over. I want to see if the results are the same when I try to enjoy my own happiness.

Take Care.

stretch out and wait...

can't believe i've never heard this beautiful song before today...

perfect...

2 second update while tired and faded...

So it's been ages since I last had a blog entry. I haven't had much desire to write about anything that I've felt good about sharing. I am working, dating and for the most part enjoying life immensely. I have booked tickets from Scotland to Latvia. I will be there for 6 days. I'm really looking forward to this trip. I have also booked an apartment in Paris for 4 days.

I read recently that if you don't feel vulnerable then you're not in love. I'm feeling very vulnerable right now. It's scary and thrilling all at the same time. I wish it was more absolute. More definate. But it's not. It is what it is.

The good news is I know how I feel and I know what I want. Wish me luck.

time to get healthy!!!

yesterday I ate like crap, it started off bad and went downhill from there, then, half way through the day I decided I was finally ready to get myself in shape, so, to celebrate, and, knowing I would be forgoing sweets for a while, I ate even more crap---

Breakfast--- 3 jelly filled donuts 260 cals x 3 = 780cals.
Lunch--- McDonalds 1/4 Pounder with cheese and SUPER SIZE FRIES = 1010cals
Dinner--- One ENTIRE bag of Trader Joes Sweet Potato Fries = 570cals
Snack--- Hostess Orange Cup Cakes & small bag of Sea Salt and Pepper Chips = 540cals

THAT'S A TOTAL OF 2900 calories!!!

I went to bed feeling sick as in; "if i throw up i'll feel better"

So now I'm working on my grocery list, cleaning out the fridge and taking the first step to getting healthy.

I'm 5'10", 190lbs., 39 years young, and ready to do something about it; goal weight is 165lbs. Is it possible to do it by September 19th? 25lbs. divided by 60 days? That's less than half a pound a day. I'll add a "start" or "day one" pic to this post later today. I need to buy a scale.

BTW, thanks for indulging me with my "self intervention" and my excessive use of "quotes" haha.

tender

2 second update.

Things are going really good for me. I have no complaints. I'm working, paying off my debt, have great friends, have my health. I'm happy with what I have and no longer concerned about the things I don't and if there's something I need or want I can go after it. I'm really happy.

???

Why spend time doing something you like, when you could be doing something you love?

recommended reading...

A MODERN RE-WRITE OF SELF RELIANCE BY EMERSON.

THE OTHER DAY, I read some original statements written by a famous painter. Whenever I read something truly original, I get a feeling. That feeling is far more valuable than the statements themselves. The feeling fills me with a recognition of a profound truth: That genius is simply to "believe your own thought." "To believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all [people]."

Speak what is true for you, and it will almost always resonate in others.

The voice in your own mind is so familiar to you that you give it no respect. Instead, you give too much weight to the thought of others — your neighbors, your teachers, or some great thinker from the past. But what makes great thinkers great is that they didn't disregard their own thought. They expressed what they truly thought; they listened to their own voice.

You must learn to detect the light that shines from within and pay it more respect than the blinding illumination of the great minds of all history. When you look at wonderful works of art, let it teach you this.

Let the flashes of genius that hit your mind urge you to stick with your own "spontaneous impression with good-humored inflexibility" — especially when everyone seems to think otherwise. Speak out what your own perception, your own impression tells you is true and speak with boldness and trust.

As Emerson wrote, "envy is ignorance; imitation is suicide." You have something unique, original, and great to express. Try to imitate someone else and you kill off that originality which is you. Envy is a lack of appreciation of your own special gifts.

Nobody knows what your special gifts are, and you won't know until you try to express them. Follow your own interest. It will lead you where you need to go.

You are an expression of this vast and wondrous universe. You are one of the things the universe is doing right now. This immense, mysterious existence is expressing itself everywhere at every moment. For the miracle to be expressed through you, it will take courage and a firm dedication to truth and honesty. The greatness of the universe cannot be expressed by cowards.

Be brave and true to yourself. Put your heart into your work. Do these things with sincerity and you come nearer to being what you truly are: A singular expression of all existence — a genius, a creator, a redeemer, a healer, a teacher, a force for good in the world.

Trust yourself — not your petty self, but that Self you touch in blissful solitude on quiet walks in the mountains, that Self you feel when you are at your highest best.

Completely accept your current situation — the place and time you live in. Accept it and make something magnificent with it. There is no better time. There is nothing to wish for. Genius and wisdom arise when you see that the source of existence is in your heart and works through your hands.

You are not a victim of life. You have a destiny, a part to play in this awesome universal battle between good and evil.

Look at children. They trust their own impression. They haven't learned to calculate how many people oppose their purposes and so they don't alter their purposes accordingly. If they conceive a purpose, they start to accomplish it without any self-censoring calculations.

Infants do not conform. The adults conform to the infant. An infant is charming, attractive, interesting, and the adults gather around and try to please him or her. But listen: There is something just as charming, just as interesting, and just as pleasing about every stage of life, from childhood to old age. Infancy has no monopoly on charm.

Take exactly what you are and find the magnificence of it and express it. Do not weep for younger years or think things will be great only when you get older. Be exactly what you are right now and already your charm starts to manifest.

It is a healthy attitude to consider conciliatory behavior beneath you. In other words, don't try to gain goodwill by displaying pleasing behavior. Don't try to beg for peoples' approval. That is the attitude of someone who doesn't feel he has a right to be what he is, to feel the way he feels, to think what he thinks. But you DO have the right.

Be yourself.

Don't try to figure out what behavior or opinion will make you popular with others. It is disrespectful to the grandeur of who you really are. It is selling your soul for the low outcome of manipulating the superficial affections of others — as if you needed their approval. Be what you are. Be indifferent to the judgments of others, not with a thoughtless or angry defiance, but with the firm knowledge that you are a vital expression of something unspeakably intelligent and good.

Forget about what you have been before. Forget what you've said before. Be what you are now, even if it "isn't you" — that is, even if it seems to contradict what you or others have pigeonholed you to be. Be free. Be the creative force on the crest of the mighty wave of this very instant.

Be exactly what you are right now and what will happen? Your truth, your honesty, will scare some people, and they will actively try to make you stop being true to yourself.

The world is in a conspiracy to make you conform. Others will think they know what you should be and how you should act and what you should think. And they will apply pressure to you to make you conform to it. But if you conform, you lose your soul. You lose your originality. You lose your connection to the Mystery. You lose your creativity and your aliveness.

The people who know you will sometimes resist your creativity. They feel more comfortable with what is familiar.

If you want to be the full greatness you can be, you must give up the game and be your honest self. As Emerson put it, "Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind." Rely on yourself and you become one of those who determine the future of the world.

Not you? Why not you? Many of the people who have changed the course of history also would not have believed that they could or would. But when you rely on yourself and be exactly what you are, a new force moves through you, and a new source of power.

Emerson said, "No law can be sacred to me but that of my nature. Good and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this; the only right is what is after my constitution; the only wrong what is against it." Take the stand that you are the one who knows, and all opposing people and opinions are only temporary fads and "authority" propped up by the mere agreement of mob mentality.

"Go upright and vital," urges Emerson, "and speak the rude truth in all ways." When you hear someone earnestly spouting the latest politically correct opinion, why not be direct and without apology say, "I don't want to hear a popular opinion. What do you really think and why?" This response might be taken as somewhat rude, but honesty is far more beautiful than the pretense of acceptance, and it will do more good. Conditions do not improve when everyone goes along just to avoid seeming rude.

Emerson wrote, "For nonconformity, the world whips you with its displeasure…but the sour face of the multitude, like their sweet faces, have no deep cause…but are put on and off as the wind blows and the newspaper directs." Have the fortitude to treat this displeasure "as a trifle of no concernment." The displeasure is really beneath your notice.

The reason conformity is so damaging is that it "scatters your force." It takes the pure, strong, true expression you are and blurs it into feebleness and mediocrity.

But go about your business with a deep honesty, and your power shines through, your genius arises, your true goodness has a chance to show itself, and your creativity is set on fire.

Do not join any crowd. Every club or group tries to make each member a "retained attorney," locked into one perspective, chained to a set of beliefs that blind you to the truth. You can no longer just see. You are driven to justify a certain point of view, to uphold a fixed perspective, cutting away your freedom and cutting you off from a free expression of the immense intelligence you really are.

As a painful example of the sensation of being locked away from your own soul, consider the feeling you get when talking to people you don't feel comfortable with, wearing a forced smile, a painful smile, while you converse on topics that don't interest you. It makes your face hurt. The discomfort of it is a clear signal. In your dishonesty you have stuffed a towel into the tube through which your life and creative force flow, leaving you without power or comfort or peace or happiness.

Follow your deep whim. Do what you truly want to do — not your superficial, thoughtless impulses, but when you are here, now, being as nakedly honest with yourself as you can, speak and act from that unmasked honesty and your perceptions will strike a chord in the hearts of others, for the center of their Self converges with the center of yours.

People do and say things much of the time in the spirit of someone trying to make amends or to atone for a sin. They take actions as if to justify or excuse themselves. Their whole demeanor reeks of apology.

But I need no excuse. I'm not here to please the world. I'm here to live. My life exists as an end in itself, without needing justification. My life is for itself and not for a show.

If my motivations are base, so be it. Better that they are base and honest than lofty and phony.

My life should be unique and original. It should not be like any other and no apology is needed for that. Act from the center and your life is a saving grace, a triumph, a work of art, a cavalry charging over the hill to win the day.

You have the right to be what you are. Never allow the well-meaning people to make you pay for that privilege. You are what you are and you need no stamp of approval or sponsor to grant you the authority to be so.

All that needs to concern you is your own task, not what people think about it or you. This is difficult and may be the only defining difference between those who are great and those who are mediocre.

When you are alone, you can be yourself. When among your fellows, you are bended by their desire for you to be this or that. The ultimate attainment is to keep that solitary independence when among others.

Trust yourself. Don't concern yourself with what you have said or done in the past. Others have seen it and expect you, even insist, that you act that way in the future.

Set yourself free. Learn and grow and extend your understanding. Create yourself newly, freshly, honestly every day.

When your soul is moved, yield to it, even if it contradicts what you knew or thought in the past.

Do not try to be consistent. Trying to be consistent blocks the new creation that is constantly attempting to flow out of you. "Speak what you think today in words as hard as cannonballs, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today." Yes, you will be misunderstood. All great souls have suffered this indignity. You'll be in excellent company. You will be a cause, a creator, an architect of a new world, as all great souls have been who had the guts to see the world with honest eyes.

Act and speak from that honest place and when you look closely at what you've done, it may seem you spout contradictory statements while you try to express the profound paradox the truth encompasses. The course of a missile looks like a zigzag up close because it is constantly correcting its flight path. But when you look at it from a distance it flies straight and true to its mark. In the very same way, you will find that your honest expression will have a deeper, more intelligent trajectory than you could have realized from so close a perspective.

Our puny conscious mind cannot see the big picture. Our feeble efforts of willpower are completely outmatched by the grandeur of the will of the universe, and to second-guess it or to think you can edit it in-flight is the arrogance of the ignorant. Give up your effort to censure yourself. Be an honest, open expression and you will be surprised at the height of your knowing in the long run.

Be great enough to be true now, with self-trust, with self-reliance, with a self-sufficiency, independent of your own pet theories or the scolding fingers of others. Trust yourself and shine from the center and your genius will justify you in the end.



HEROES

The force of your independent character is surrounded by, as it were, an escort of angels — surrounded by all the great souls of history who have defied the status quo and acted from the source.

We respect and admire the brave heroes of the past because they were true to themselves. And in the end we will respect and honor those who do it now. Honor is not superficial. It is eternal and that's what makes it great. It does not try to please or appease, it does not try to win our respect, and so ultimately wins it.

Cultivate a profound indifference to circumstances, opinions, and authority. Do this and future generations will bring your original work to its full fruition. The world will follow you.

The reading of history is the reading of the biographies of a few strong people who took resolute action, often against tremendous popular resistance — resistance to nonconformity, resistance to genuine, original thoughts and actions.

Know your worth and keep your feet on the ground. Do not sneak around, afraid, as if you had no right to be what you are. Know your true worth and allow the source to express itself.

You see great works — statues, buildings, machines, books, and you feel belittled by them, put in your place, puny, unworthy. But you're looking at it all wrong. Their greatness awaits your judgment. Emerson wrote, "The picture waits for my verdict; it is not to command me, but I am to settled its claims to praise."

The state of humankind is like a king who has forgotten his place and wanders the world like a beggar. Don't make that mistake! Wake up, be what you are, express your genius and your originality.

Do not envy or feel inferior when you read of a great soul. So they were great. So what? Did they use up greatness? No! Your own actions have as much potential to affect the future if you would be exactly what you are — fully and truly.

When you express your unique gifts, the honor will be transferred to you just as readily.

Great souls have existed at all times since the beginning. There are no fewer great souls now than ever have been. In fact, the number is probably greater if the percentage stayed the same. You will find a startling similarity between all self-reliant souls of history, no matter what time and place they lived. What they share is that the great souls leave behind no classification into which others may fit. Anyone who is truly in the same category will not seem similar, but will be wholly unique.

We should look at the reverence we give to presidents and statesmen and the supersuccessful and realize it is the level of respect we should give to each other. These great people were ordinary folks who decided to take matters into their own hands, to fulfill their destinies — sometimes at great personal cost. Any one of us has a latent greatness if we would only break free of conformity.



THE SOURCE

All original action has an undeniable magnetism. Why? Think about it: The source of those original actions is the center and source of all things. That center is what can be trusted. That center is the source of genius, of moral strength, of self-discipline, and the source of all life and all aliveness.

At the center of you is the center of all things. That source of being and wisdom is not separate from all other things but emanates and expresses itself alike in all things. Yet we walk this earth feeling like an unconnected, isolated, self-contained individual.

Here is the source of action and thought. Here is the source of the highest form of inspiration. Emerson wrote, "We lie in the lap of immense intelligence, which makes us organs of its activity and receivers of its truth."

When we recognize justice or truth or goodness, we are not creating it. We are not putting it there, but merely opening to a perception of something that already exists. We allow ourselves (or not) to receive the recognition. We do not make it so by our acknowledgment.

Decisions, opinions, conclusions — these are deliberate acts. But when you look at a flower, whether or not you perceive its color is not up to you. Perception is not under your voluntary control. The deliberate acts of our minds can be disputed, but perception is final and undeniable.

If I perceive something and point it out to someone else, they will perceive it also. And even if I am the first human to ever notice it, I have opened the way for future generations to notice it forevermore.

Although perceptions can be shared, what is perceived is always new, always now. Relying on old philosophies or dogmas misses the fact that all of the universe is being created now, and you need rely on nobody else to tell you what is. You can receive your knowing directly.

When a person recognizes the truth of something, all former teachings crumble to dust and blow away. The source is eternally now, and dissolves all past and future in its ever-emanating center.

If a person claims to know of divine matters but uses ancient language from another country, do not believe it. Why worship the past? The truth is here, now, as fully and completely as it has ever been. You need no ancient description of the color of the sky; you only need to look up. You can describe it however you want to describe it. Memorizing former descriptions misses the point entirely.

Do not be hesitant. Do not cower in shame or fear. Don't quote some wise man of former ages. Say boldly what you perceive now.

Let us hope we do not always think so highly of ancient teachings and obsolete languages. We are like children who memorize rules and ideas, struggling to remember the exact words. Later, when they come to understand more about the world, they can throw away those words and perceive the truths for themselves, saying it just as well from their own present understanding, in their own words. Let us do the same.

"If we live truly," wrote Emerson, "we shall see truly." Live a deeply honest life, and you will perceive what is. Then what old wisdoms need to be remembered? When you live truly, your experience will be original and new. Your experience will be a continual surprise and delight.

A deeply honest person does not remind you of anyone else. A deeply honest person's experience will be utterly unique and singular. You will not be following any known path because you are making a path. You will have no fear. You will have no hope. "Fear and hope are alike beneath it." You will have a tranquillity and serenity as you gaze upon the immensity of universal causation. All time, all space, all distance, all things will be seen through as inconsequential. A rigorous, unrelenting, bold honesty is the path to that ultimate level of sight.



THE WORLD AS IT IS

To clearly see the need for this philosophy of self-reliance, all you need to do is look at our modern world. We are, by and large, timid and easily disheartened. The truth scares us. Death scares us. The future scares us. And we are afraid of each other.

What we want is for someone to rise up and make things right, but what we see is that most people are seriously lacking real personal power. They're passive. They lack real purpose. They whine. They feel entitled to much more than their contribution merits. They have no backbone, no guts, no character.

Why? Because they've been beaten down by the opinions of others. They've conformed. And in conforming, they've lost their connection to their own selves. We have all done it. We have tried to avoid the battlefield where truth fights it out with the dark forces. We fear failure and we fear doing something original. If a young person does well in high school and doesn't go on to a good college, we fear for her future. If a young businessman fails, we think he is ruined. This is ridiculous. I am ruined or not, beaten or not, depending on what I say to myself. If I boldly think strongly, I'll pick myself up and go on. With this attitude, I can try and fail at many things and come out all right. If I took the attitude of our society to heart, I would give up at the first sign of failure, climb into a bottle, and complain loudly for the rest of my life.

We are not victims, we are creators. Maybe some great teacher will come along who will reveal to us our own power. The teacher would tell us we must detach ourselves from our reliance on the values and opinions of our culture. We must become independent. We must become self-reliant. If we would trust ourselves, we would find our powers multiplied. We have come to put the world right, and should be embarrassed by the sympathy of others. The moment you take genuine self-sourced and original action, nobody will pity you. They will admire and emulate you, now and in generations to come.



REVOLUTION

We need a revolution — a self-reliance revolution — a new level of trust in the divinity within each of us. Here are some areas where the revolution can be started in your own life:

1. LIVE IN THE PRESENT

Time doesn't exist at the core of all things as it emanates this instant. It is perfect at every moment — just what it is, complete, whole, and right now.

But we habitually ignore the present. We regret the past or yearn for it; we strain our minds to perceive the future; we dismiss the wonder of what is here now. There is one elemental truth that you must understand now, and re-understand every day: You can't be happy or strong until you live in the present, beyond time.

The ever-present creation of all life is always dynamic, always new. This eternal lifesource, when it is flowing through you, will be shut down by retiring, by attainment, by ending the quest and deciding you now have The Answer. It is opened back up again by re-entering the ever-changing river of existence. As Emerson put it, the soul becomes.

When you are present and becoming, you are one with the river, and so your actions have power. But hold still, and your power vanishes.

Ride that ever-flowing emanation with your deep honesty, and you are more powerful than kings and countries. People will appear to bend to you, to follow you, but they are not following you — they become the same sun as you are and shine forth light with the same light. Honesty is reality. Honesty is the creator, the ruler. Things are as real as they are honest.

Every honest action reveals a quality, an excellence, and you can't help but respect and admire it.

From this point forward, let us restrain our impulse to wander, to imitate, to envy. Let's look right here and express what we feel needs to be expressed the way we feel it ought to be expressed. We will "stun and astonish" the less honest with our simple expression of truth. They don't need to look any further than you: The divine pulse is right here, shining out of you into their face and they will feel an incomprehensible shock of recognition.

Next to the richness you are floating in, everything else is shabby and petty. Dive into your ocean within to swim in your indescribable wealth rather than trying to beg a cup of water from someone else.

2. SOLITUDE: A KEY

The ocean within can only be reached through solitude. The pressures, the desires, the opinions, the complaints, of others — even though we love each other — only cloud and obscure your vision. Solitude allows the dust to settle and the air to clear. Then you can see truly. Then you can attain the independence and strength and clarity that you will require if you wish to retain your honesty while among people. Otherwise, your human inclination is to acquire the notions and prejudices of your friends and family.

Solitude will free your mind and ears and soul from the constant, unimportant interruptions. Learn to distance yourself from too much entanglement in the problems or goals of others. Certainly shine light where it may help, but their goals and problems are theirs, and yours are yours, and keeping that distinction is the only way it can work.

Remember this: Getting caught in the web of others can only be done with your consent. You give your consent out of weakness.

But no more.

Your solitude and your deep honesty will strengthen you and guide your attention vitally and healthfully.

3. RIGHT SPEECH

Another key in the quest of deep honesty is to simply try to speak truly.

Up until now, you have sometimes expressed agreement where you really disagreed, you have gone along with what you knew was wrong, you have failed to correct mistaken assumptions, you have restrained your honesty to save others' feelings. You have shut yourself off from your own freedom and power in order to keep them safe from a painful truth, or merely to keep them liking you. You have taken the golden heart of the universe and traded it for a "benefit" which it is beneath you to desire.

Throw away your pretense and enter reality. Say to the people you know: "I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you." No longer hide your likes and dislikes. Trust that "what is deep is holy." Do and say what truly and deeply delights you. Do and say what makes you feel serene and content at the core of your being. As Emerson put it, "I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me and the heart appoints." Not what superficially titillates, but that which resonates with bliss at the deepest and highest within you.

Emerson suggests you say to your friends and family, "If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions. If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions; I will seek my own. I do this not selfishly but humbly and truly. It is alike your interest, and mine, and all men's, however long we have dwelt in lies, to live in truth."

This new way of being, this discipline to speak the truth, will sometimes seem excessively harsh. But if you follow the path of honesty, you will ultimately enter the flow of the river — you will ultimately live in reality instead of the tangle of lying, misleading, and pretending that passes for reality.

Yes, your honesty will cause pain. But will you sell your freedom and power to save someone from an unpleasant feeling? Especially when the feeling is an appropriate response to reality?
In time, if the person will consent to look, they will perceive the truth too, and thus may begin a life of honesty.

To others it may seem as though you have rejected all rules simply because you do not conform to the rules of your culture. But the discipline of honesty has its own strict code and profound principles, and if anyone thinks this is an easy path, let him try to keep the regimen for one day, and he will be set straight. Emerson wrote, "Truly it demands something godlike in him who has cast off the common motives of humanity and has ventured to trust himself for a task-master. High be his heart, faithful his will, clear his sight, that he may in good earnest be doctrine, society, law, to himself, that a simple purpose may be to him as strong as iron necessity is to others."

4. PRAYERS

When you pray for anything but the good of all, you are out of touch. Praying for some special favor is a demonstration of the lack of self-trust. That kind of prayer arises out of a lack of knowledge about the unity of all things. Prayer, if engaged in at all, should be a "contemplation of the facts of life from the highest point of view." It is the monologue of a grateful soul. It is the universe acknowledging itself.

When you live as an open expression of the mystery and grandeur of the universe, you will not beg for private favors in your prayers. You will see all action as prayer. Do not miss this point. Deep honesty will reveal the true way to pray: Take action.

Another form of misguided prayer is regretting the past. If there is some action you can take that will help the situation, then take it. Regret comes from a lack of self-discipline.

And sympathy falls into the same category. We sit down and pat the hands of those who bring trouble on themselves instead of speaking the truth boldly "in rough electric shocks" that might jar them out of their fog and self-created illusions and put them in touch with their own powerful soul.

The secret of success is simply this: Take pleasure in self-derived work. "Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man." People love and admire him because he does not need their love and admiration. We celebrate his triumphs because he persevered when everyone was against him.

Not only are our prayers an expression of a "disease of the will" but those principles we live by are an expression of an equally pathetic "disease of the intellect." For the most part, when I speak to someone, I am alone because I am not likely to be speaking to a deeply honest person. I'm not likely to meet the universe expressing itself through him. No. He will be following some creed or other, not of his own creation. He will be relying on the external rules created by others rather than trusting himself. He will recite "truths" he has borrowed from others. But each soul is an entirely new classification. Not a new member of an already-existing class. A new class. Each person is original — or at least should be! But people are, for the most part, followers. They do not create or initiate genuine actions, but copy and follow.

When an un-self-reliant person finds some new philosophy, she will think it is the end-all, be-all, the all-encompassing truth. It is natural to feel an enthusiasm for new ideas, new systems — at least for awhile because you can feel the new philosophy has expanded your understanding and the reach of your mind. A self-reliant soul, however, will outgrow the system and go beyond it. The weak mind will stop seeking and consider the new philosophy the only truth and will refuse to understand how anyone else could see the light without the particular teachings of this one master. But the light will shine on any open mind. It makes no narrow discriminations. It only requires honesty to open the door, and it will happily beam bright and warm into the humblest shack.

If our follower would become honest and self-reliant, the master's philosophy would crack at the edges and fall away, allowing the light to shine directly on this newly-honest soul.

5. TRAVELING

Another area to start this revolution of self-reliance is in the habit of traveling. It is ironic that we will travel thousands of miles to see great architecture rather than staying home and building our own great works — something the architects of these great foreign buildings obviously did.

Of course there is a place for travel, but not as a way of finding anything. You take yourself with you wherever you go, and if you are not at ease in your own home, you will not be at ease anywhere else. If you hope to find something greater than your own surroundings when you go traveling, you will be sadly disappointed. Greatness is everywhere, even where you are, if you would open your eyes and look. As Emerson wrote, "Traveling is a fool's paradise." You may travel to get away from yourself, but no matter how far you go, when you wake up in this new place and look in the mirror, there you are. You can't escape yourself.

6. IMITATION

The sixth area ripe for a self-reliant revolution is the disease of imitation, which is a kind of traveling of the intellect. We admire styles and ideas that seem foreign, from another country or another time. But in each place and time, great works were created then and there. The model was in the mind of the artist and not anywhere or anywhen else.

Remember this: Beauty and magnificence are as near to you as to anyone, and if you would decorate your house and your mind with what fits your own disposition, your own tastes, your own place and time, you will find it extraordinary and wonderful, fitting and satisfying.

"Insist on yourself," wrote Emerson, "never imitate." You can express your own talents every moment, and those talents have been accumulating power and refinement your entire life. But when you try to imitate or adopt the talents of another, you have only a superficial "half-possession."

Whatever you can do best, nobody can teach you but your own deep source and your own work and practice. Where was the genius who could have taught Shakespeare? Who could have taught Thoreau or Einstein or Edison? Every great soul is unique and original. What makes Thoreau great is that very part he could not borrow from anyone else. A new Thoreau could never be made by the study of Thoreau.

Do the task that calls to you and you cannot be too optimistic about the outcome. There is, right in this moment, a great work inside you — a work as awe-inspiring as the Great Pyramid, the 5th symphony, or the Theory of Relativity, but different from them all. The source of the universe is capable of infinite expression, and if it has the use of a new mouthpiece (from your newly-acquired deep honesty), it will not repeat itself. Why would it? If you had an infinite number of different things to say, why would you ever repeat yourself? Any true expression through you will be wholly new and original.

And if you think you are not that great, that you aren't capable of originality or greatness, think about this: If you have the power to understand what another great soul has expressed — if you understand those great words, if you grasp the beauty of a painting, if you recognize the genius of a piece of music — surely you also have the power to answer in the same tone of voice as an equal. If you are up to the level of understanding, you are on an equal plane, and can reply in kind. You may not know how to paint or write music, but you have a genius of expression with which you can reply. You and I have greatness inside us waiting to get out. Open the gate with deep honesty.

7. WHAT REALLY IMPROVES

The self-reliance revolution needs to revamp our ideas about improvement. You cannot improve "society." It changes, but the change is not improvement — for everything that becomes better, something becomes worse. We get new forms of entertainment and they waste hours of our time, distancing us from our loved ones, making us feel isolated and alone in a world full of people. We get electricity and the lightbulb, and it throws our carefully-evolved biological system, attuned for eons to the earth's cycles of light and dark, out of balance. We get new modes of transportation and lose some health from our drop in exercise. We get labor-saving devices and then both parents have to work to pay for them all.



HOW TO BE HAPPY

Circumstances are insignificant and relatively inconsequential. We look to things, to property, to external situations to make us happy, to make us good, to make us feel satisfied or redeemed. These things cannot be gotten from circumstances or ownership of anything.

We have a tendency to make the mistake of measuring each other by what we have rather than by what we have become. But property is superficial. When you act from your center, you will probably acquire property, but it doesn't matter because the important gain is not material goods but a stronger character. You have become a more excellent channel for the universal will.

Another form of external property is our thirst for the agreement of others. We want large groups of people to believe as we do, and we feel stronger every time a new convert joins our group, whatever our group may be: vegetarian, democrat, positive thinker, whatever. But the nature of wisdom and power works in exactly the opposite way. You gain access to the universal expression only by letting go of the opinions, customs, rules, and systems of others and stand alone, original, self-reliant, self-trusting, self-sourced.

If you would release your fearful clinging to the wisdom of others and throw yourself on your own wits, you would instantly right yourself like a ship heeled over and suddenly becoming upright again. Your balance returns. Your power surges back up. Your weakness was caused by your lack of confidence in your own wisdom.

Don't rely on luck, either. Trust in the law of cause and effect. Do your work. Speak the truth. Live your life with deep honesty, and you have made luck irrelevant. The causes will produce their effects, luck or no luck.

And if some lucky good fortune comes your way — you win the lottery, your annoying neighbor moves away, the value of your stock suddenly rises — you may be tempted to think luck is on your side. Don't believe it. External circumstances have no lasting value. Deep honesty and only your deep honesty can bring you true satisfaction and contentment.

sometimes, the point you are trying to convey has already been written by someone else and sometimes they do a better job at it than i can...



Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop.
You'd kill yourself for recognition; kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror; you're turning into something you are not.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk.
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing that you've ever, ever
had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had; the best thing you've had has gone away.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry.

a sense of adventure...

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

and then i stumble onto this...

"to dream of the person you wish to be is to waste the person you are"

maybe i just need some chocolate...

when you sit at a job for 8 hours, with nothing to do but wait for clients to walk in, you can literaly feel the energy being leeched out of you, so much so that when you come home you have absolutely no drive to do anything. i have sat on my ass since 9am and it's now 9pm. i don't know how much more i can take.

i was told they hired a new fulltime salesperson for the location i am working at which means one of three things is about to happen; 1. i'm about to be laid off. 2. i'm going back fulltime to the SF location. 3. i will work three days in SF and two days in marin. i just want my brain to be challenged and i want to do something i love and i'm sick of waiting for something to "happen". i'm fed up.

stop me if you think that you've heard this one before...

DO NOT under any circumstances get drunk on absolut mandarin vodka and soda. it will make you forget stuff, throw up on yourself and you will come out of your alcohol induced fog driving in a town over an hour from where you live wondering where the hell you are (cupertino) and how the hell you got there (driving drunk). you will also be covered in bruises. don't ask me how i know this.

15 minutes of blog

I have no idea what to write about, I just know I want to be in bed in 15 minutes, early to bed, early to rise blah blah... I sold a scooter at work finally, sales have been slow. I've been selling one a month, thank goodness I get a wage not a commission. Looking forward to seeing the BRUNO movie whenever it comes out, also, the new Tarantino WWII flick looks awesome. I recently saw Angels & Demons and it SUCKED! Don't go see it, it has nothing to do with the illuminati. BORING! You'd be better off looking illuminati up on wikipedia. I'm still trying to figure out what my signature drink is going to be since I can no longer drink beer or any fermented drinks, distilled spirits are ok though. I am a big fan of the mojito but, not all bars serve it and the ones that do the bartenders are typically jerks about having to go through all the effort. My bartender friend says mojitos are "labor intensive" WHAT!??! umm ok...

So, I'm planning on trying out a Stoli Orange with Soda. I'll let you know.

Been writing a lot in my journal, I've been trying to figure stuff out; what it takes to be a man, what every man needs, what do women want etc. etc. It's really enjoyable giving the brain a workout.

European adventure is still on track, tickets haven't been bought yet, hopefully in the next week. I'll be converting money soon. I will be renting an apartment in Paris, it's cheaper than a hotel and, for 2 nights and 3 days I can pretend I live there.

Made a list of what I need to do with my life... HEALTH, FINANCES & FUTURE, I then bullet-pointed what I need to do to achieve each "goal". Maybe I can share the list with you at a later time?

Came up with another tom-ism; You have to know the destination BEFORE you start your journey. You don't leave the house to go for a walk hoping you end up somewhere you want to be, you know before you even leave the house where you want to go and, you take steps to get there. Dammit 15 mminutes are up. Time for bed.