Almost 40 years of emotional peaks and valleys. Still nowhere near where I had hoped to be by this time. Complacency is a silent killer. Always putting others first and hoping it'd be appreciated, thinking that I'm doing something different than, and, better than, everybody else. I have no clue what life is all about. I continue to wait for something to happen and it never does, am I stupid or stubborn? I don't expect things to change. What am I to people? To a very small number (1) I am a best friend, to others? A distraction? A free meal? An easy lay? A second best? The most gullible trusting person out there?
My biggest fear, is to live an insignificant life, to have spent a lifetime, doing nothing, leaving behind nothing but a box of books, dvd's, cd's that'll sit around for a while until someone decides it's ok to sell them at a yard sale. An envelope with some pictures of women I once thought I loved.
If life does have a meaning or a purpose, I can only hope that it's about love and family. Two things I don't have.
I see couples and young families and wonder how they get there. What does it take? How does it go from meeting - dating - marriage - children? How does that work? It doesn't just happen. How does a person know when it's right?
I don't think I'll ever fit in here in the States. I may have to put optimism aside and go with acceptance for a while, just to see how it fits.
I've been carrying "stuff" for a long time now, today I decided the time was right for me to let things go and move forward. I'm finished with nostalgia.
Making people happy and the resulting happiness that comes from seeing smiles on the face of others is over. I want to see if the results are the same when I try to enjoy my own happiness.
Take Care.
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