goodbye fresno...

yesterday i realised for the first time since moving to san francisco over 3 years ago that sf is not just where i live, it's where i call home, and, i love it here. i made a promise to myself to only go to fresno when absolutely neccessary, whether it be for Christmas, thanksgiving or an actual emergency etc. i will not go down there just for a visit.

i just came back from fresno, i couldn't get out of there fast enough. there is nothing to do there except eat at bad chain restaurants or fast food joints, go shopping or drink. my sister and some of my best friends live down there, i hope they know my door is always open for them.

like OMFG! what's not to like?!

first day of a new week...

i left my laptop charger at work on saturday so I was without internet access for a couple of days, ok, 2 nights, but the good thing is I went to bed early (10:30pm) and woke up early (6:30am) and have been very productive. I did all my laundry including my bed linens, cleaned the apartment, cashed in my spare change at safeways($58.10)and budgeted the next 36 days. I had alloted $540 to cover my lunches/meals/gas/tolls. Which roughly translates to $15 a day. $6 of which goes to a bridge toll. It won't be easy but I know I can do it. I stocked up on healthy tv dinners and healthy soups as well as bread and sandwich meats. the plan is to alternate between soup and sandwich for lunch one day, tv dinner and sandwich the next. For my dinners I plan on have high protein meals like beans and rice with the occassional chicken breast but mainly i will eat mass quantities of steamed veggies. I have been taking my vitamin multi packs too.

so, september 20th i board a plane bound for Scotland. i will also pay a visit to Latvia. It'll be amazing, visiting a country that hopefully doesn't give a shit about American culture or lifestyle. i'm speaking of Latvia of course.

anyways, i think i'm out of my rut, i had a good chat with my ladyfriend and now i know what our situation is. it was a refreshing splash of cold water. i definatly needed it.

now i need to focus on my life, what do i want? where do i want to go? how do i get there?

i'm almost forty and it's blowing my fucking mind.

my "new" vespa...

my green gt200 is now back at VespaSF, the tags expired on it so i haven't ridden it in a while, when i dropped it off i noticed a vintage p200e parked in front of the showroom, i asked jen if i could swap her bikes, the "new" vespa for the "old" one, "sure" she said, so i am now going to be running around sf on a two-stroke vespa. i'm really excited about it.

i've also found a vw westfalia bus in my price range up in portland, needs fixing up but i love that kind of thing.

wonder how much it would cost to have it transported across the bering strait?

played pong with dave tonight and i won! 22 - 20, it was a close game, afterwards we went to pasta pomodoro on union street and had my usual gemelli.

i will also be back at the sf location as a fulltime tech. another thing to be grateful for! i will finally feel like i live in sf!!!

it's not supposed to be this hard...

Almost 40 years of emotional peaks and valleys. Still nowhere near where I had hoped to be by this time. Complacency is a silent killer. Always putting others first and hoping it'd be appreciated, thinking that I'm doing something different than, and, better than, everybody else. I have no clue what life is all about. I continue to wait for something to happen and it never does, am I stupid or stubborn? I don't expect things to change. What am I to people? To a very small number (1) I am a best friend, to others? A distraction? A free meal? An easy lay? A second best? The most gullible trusting person out there?

My biggest fear, is to live an insignificant life, to have spent a lifetime, doing nothing, leaving behind nothing but a box of books, dvd's, cd's that'll sit around for a while until someone decides it's ok to sell them at a yard sale. An envelope with some pictures of women I once thought I loved.

If life does have a meaning or a purpose, I can only hope that it's about love and family. Two things I don't have.

I see couples and young families and wonder how they get there. What does it take? How does it go from meeting - dating - marriage - children? How does that work? It doesn't just happen. How does a person know when it's right?

I don't think I'll ever fit in here in the States. I may have to put optimism aside and go with acceptance for a while, just to see how it fits.

I've been carrying "stuff" for a long time now, today I decided the time was right for me to let things go and move forward. I'm finished with nostalgia.

Making people happy and the resulting happiness that comes from seeing smiles on the face of others is over. I want to see if the results are the same when I try to enjoy my own happiness.

Take Care.

stretch out and wait...

can't believe i've never heard this beautiful song before today...

perfect...

2 second update while tired and faded...

So it's been ages since I last had a blog entry. I haven't had much desire to write about anything that I've felt good about sharing. I am working, dating and for the most part enjoying life immensely. I have booked tickets from Scotland to Latvia. I will be there for 6 days. I'm really looking forward to this trip. I have also booked an apartment in Paris for 4 days.

I read recently that if you don't feel vulnerable then you're not in love. I'm feeling very vulnerable right now. It's scary and thrilling all at the same time. I wish it was more absolute. More definate. But it's not. It is what it is.

The good news is I know how I feel and I know what I want. Wish me luck.